Archive | July, 2010

Plea to the God of Adjustable Beds (NOT ADRIAN)

25 Jul

Fuck off, Adrian.

I have wanted a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed (the Monaco Model, to be precise), since I was a child and saw the delightful commercial for the very first time.

I DARE you to tell me who in the world would not love watching Sunday football in a Craftmatic. Reclining at ANY angle, with ANY level of foot support, with custom heating/cooling options and all-over massage. These bitches sell themselves.

Adrian dares to tell me that because I am young, I do not need a Craftmatic.

Here’s Adrian’s logic: “You’re 23. I’m trying to think of ways to get you out of bed. People with Craftmatics have 20 years left–they need the rest.”

Here’s my logic: “YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THIS HOUSE WITH A DEDICATED WORKSPACE WITH ALL YOUR TOOLS NEARBY. I AM PUSHED AWAY TO THE BED OR THE FUCKING GREEN FUTON DOWNSTAIRS THAT THE CATS HAVE TURNED INTO A FORTRESS OF FEAR. DON’T I DESERVE TO WORK IN SUBLIME COMFORT WITH MY 25″ COLOR TV?”

I mean, really.

Have you ever even seen a Craftmatic? Can you imagine the possibilities of owning one? Sleeping in the utmost comfort all the time–it’s amazing to me that they have not been mandated by law yet.

If I had my way in my own house (which I clearly don’t, as I am a slave to Adrian’s ‘useful’ furnishings), I would replace my couches and bed and dining chairs with hybrid Craftmatics/Tempurpedics.

That’s like sleeping on Jesus’ bed. Can you imagine?


We would be reclining all over this damn house.

Come to think of it–I think I could really innovate the Craftmatic Industry.

Imagine the laziness possibilities of a Craftmatic Personal Scooter.
Imagine the ultimate comfort of a Craftmatic bathtub.
Imagine the happiness of Craftmatic tanning beds.
Imagine the joy on a ill child’s face of a videogame centered Craftmatic.
Imagine the driving comfort of a Craftmatic car.

I dare to dream in comfort, Adrian. Don’t you think I deserve this, with the innovations to the industry I have provided? They’re even made in the GOOD OL’ USA.

I should add that this post was in no way a stab at the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed company (Elevation Bed LLC)–I tremendously endorse your product, and have written this post under no urging of anyone (but Adrian). I would be happy to review a bed for this page, if you would be so inclined. Or reclined.

IT’S GONNA GET REAL, PHONE.

21 Jul

What I wanted to text to Lana: “Hahahaha, that guy’s picture is funny as hell.”

What was actually sent, post correction: “Shabaku, those guy’s picture is funny as he’ll.”

WHAT IS A SHABAKU, PHONE?

WHY DOES IT DENOTE PROPER NOUN STATUS?

WHY DO YOU NOW THINK I MEAN SHABAKU, AND NOT HAHAHAHA, AS I HAVE SAID HAHAHAHA MANY MANY TIMES WITHOUT YOUR FUCKERY.

I AM NOT FOREIGN.

Phone. You’re making me sound retarded. I need a flowchart to demonstrate the level of fuck.

I hate you, phone. 
PS: Adrian said my flowchart was difficult to follow. My phone fucks everything up.

My Cousin is pregnant with Hugh Jackman

20 Jul

My cousin, Lana, is due tomorrow with her first baby, who may or may not have a name similar to a superhero’s “normal-person alias.” This is exposition.

Lana also may or may not have made an innocent comment about her cervix on Facebook a week ago, to which Grace and I promptly reacted with a warning–only 3 cervical posts without a report to STFUParents.
I set a trap. Let’s see what happened…

Noa Gavin How’s your cervix? Made of Adamantium?

Friday at 11:16pm ·  ·  · See Wall-to-Wall
Lana Williams
ha ha very fitting. no wonder he isn’t coming.
Friday at 11:19pm · 
Noa Gavin
I’m a shitty cousin. Sorry I’m making fun of your hoohah.
Friday at 11:21pm ·  · 
Grace Montgomery
this must stop…y’all are killing me
Friday at 11:22pm · 
Noa Gavin
You don’t get it? Adamantium=Wolverine=Logan. This is genius comedy here, Grace. GET WITH THE PROGRAM.
Friday at 11:23pm ·  · 
Lana Williams This doesn’t count toward my 3. This was all her!
Friday at 11:24pm · 
Grace Montgomery
I am not nerdy enough to know what Adamantium is, I had to wiki that shit. Still not all that funny. And Lana, I am still deciding if this counts against you or not, it was a cervix post involving you, that you commented on–I think this makes you guilty. I’ll let you know what I decide
Friday at 11:31pm · 
Grace Montgomery
PS Damon says y’all are both dumb, and that yes it should count
Friday at 11:33pm · 
Noa Gavin
I’m comparing a fetus to a comic book hero played by Hugh Jackman. I just blew your mind, so stop being all high and mighty.

On another note, Lana, this was a trick post–the correct answer was, “I’m not going to comment because then I can only talk about my cervix one more time.” BOOYAH.

Friday at 11:34pm ·  · 
Noa Gavin
Damon doesn’t even have a cervix.

I assume.

Friday at 11:35pm ·  · 
Grace Montgomery
I love where this is going.
Friday at 11:35pm · 
Grace Montgomery correct, Damon doesn’t have a cervix, his comment was intended only towards the nerdy comic book “literary” shit. And his judgement was because I made him, he actually has no idea what a cervix is.
Friday at 11:38pm · 
Noa Gavin
So, Damon is actually made of Adamantium. Wiki my ass.
Friday at 11:39pm ·  · 
Grace Montgomery
Lana is gone now, we are commenting alone under her cervix post. This seems like a violation some how
Friday at 11:40pm · 
Noa Gavin
A VIOLATION OF HER CERVIX.

We Facebook raped.

Friday at 11:41pm ·  · 
Grace Montgomery
this really must stop now. I’m going to bed
Friday at 11:42pm · 
Noa Gavin
Then rest your “effaced” on your pillow and go to sleep. Maybe your pupils will be dilated then.

I OWN YOU.

Friday at 11:44pm ·  · 
Grace Montgomery
I’m sorry Lana, this went too far, but you know Noa, she always leaps right over the line of decent social standards. Maybe this will make you laugh hard enough to start labor…then we’ll have done you and your cervix a favor : )
Friday at 11:47pm · 
Friday at 11:49pm ·  ·                                                

Psychological Warfare

15 Jul

Me: Adrian, can you go get me a coke?

Adrian: Yeah, no problem.
(brings me a coke)
Adrian (as he’s leaving the room): Love me, love me, say that you love me…
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Adrian (husband) is being a huge fuckwad lately. He’s perpetrating psychological warfare.

Me: Hey Adrian, while you’re at the bank, can you get some 10’s?
Adrian: Yeah, no problem. I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free.
Me: I HATE YOUR FACE.
He speaks only certain lines of certain songs that get stuck in my head all day.

Me: Do you want to watch America’s Got Talent?
Adrian: In a minute. *hums John Phillips Sousa*
Me: You sleep on the couch.
He does it simply because he knows they piss me the hell off, and I’ll spend all day brewing about how much that one song makes me want to light children aflame, until I finally start singing it in my head and kind of enjoying it, in which he’ll promptly switch to a new one.

Me: *humming* One, like a dream come true, two, just want to be with you…
Adrian: And I said, HEYY AYYY AYYY AY AY, HEYYYY AY AY, I SAID HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON.
FUCK YOU, ADRIAN.

Mom’s Messages: Actual Texts From My Ma “The Snowboard”

12 Jul

Ma: “hw ws Snowboarding/”

Me: “Fine until I caught an edge on a root, flipped in the air a couple times, then landed on my elbow and punched myself in the ribs during the dismount. I couldn’t breathe well for a little while.”

Ma: “hAve pictures of ths?”

RV To Hell

8 Jul

The summer of my 7th grade year, my Ma and Stepdad decided to fuck up a vacation by going round trip from South Dakota to New Mexico with all four of us and my Ma’s terrier.

To make it even better, we went in a 4 bedroom, one bath, 400 square foot hellhole dubbed The Widowmaker.

South Dakota is like God’s little joke on America, with it’s vast plains of WHERE THE HELL ARE WE. The Big SD does feature Rushmore, which, if you’ve never been, is a rock–that’s all. You go, you snap a picture of you and your dog as presidents on the mountain. However, since it was Monday, and we were leaving for New Mexico only on FRIDAY, we had some time to kill.

So, we made time for:

1) Crazy Horse–another rock, but unfinished. Well thank God I saw that before I died.

2) The Rootin’ Tootin’ Cowboy Salootin’ Dinner Show–Oh, how I wish I were just dicking around about this one. We chose the RTCSDS based on their claims of being the set of the movie Dances with Wolves, Grace’s favorite movie. Upon arrival found a sticky note taped to the floor with the words “Kevn Costnar stood here,” on the way to the food line, where they handed you a metal plate and metal cup and filled your plate first with SEARING HOT BEANS, invited you to sing on stage and crush your soul.

That was all we did. 5 days, folks, 5 days.

So then, to really round out the fuckery, we moseyed on down to The Land of Enchantment–New Mexico (henceforth The Land of Broken Dreams).

Northern New Mexico=Mountains and Ski Areas=pretty.
Southern New Mexico=Desolation=Our chosen destination!

I got chased through a thornbush thicket by a band of rogue deer while wearing a wetsuit carrying flippers and a Sonic Size Dr. Pepper in Roswell.

Mark of a terrible vacation? When the IHOP Brain Teasers are your highlight.

Mom’s Messages: Actual Texts From My Ma “The Scholarship”

8 Jul

Grace: “So far today I have been notified about $2000 in scholarship money I have been awarded! Excellent!”

Ma: “How   . gave u ths”

Grace: “What? Go back and read that and try again, Ma.”

Ma: “who scholarship ; frm”

Grace: “Money grace gud. Me like learn.”

Ma: “btch&”

Text Fetish

7 Jul

My phone has an autocorrect function that is not that awesome. Smell, small, smile, smooth, smite, smoothie, etc.=S&M

Yeah, that’s right, anything that begins with sm- automatically gets corrected to a fetish in GIANT CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THESE. 
The best part about it is that my phone is a sneaky bastard, and wouldn’t correct it until I hit send.
“Those tacos really S&M good.”
Sure, what the hell. Bring on the sadist vagina.

“I’m going to S&M King, want anything?”
Fuck yeah I do!

“I want a S&M coke.”
Whoa. I draw the line at coke. Safe, Sane, Consensual.

“Brandon likes S&M”
Funny now that he’s broken up with the girlfriend I sent it to.

“I want a cherry S&M”
Don’t we all?

“S&M favor?”
Sounds like a hell of a favor.
“Get that S&M off your face.”
Or I’ll whip it off. I’ll beat it off. BEAT IT OFF. Heh.


All real-life examples.

Other fun corrections:

  1. Fucking=ducking (making angry texts sound adorable)
  2. Hell=He’ll (making less angry texts sound speech impediment-y)
  3. Hte=warrants no correction to my phone (the)
  4. fucktard=diciest (what the he’ll? “He’s a diciest,” is not impactful, nor grammatically correct.)

Psychological profile as decided by my phone: Adorable Dominatrix with serious head trauma.