Plea to the God of Adjustable Beds (NOT ADRIAN)

25 Jul

Fuck off, Adrian.

I have wanted a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed (the Monaco Model, to be precise), since I was a child and saw the delightful commercial for the very first time.

I DARE you to tell me who in the world would not love watching Sunday football in a Craftmatic. Reclining at ANY angle, with ANY level of foot support, with custom heating/cooling options and all-over massage. These bitches sell themselves.

Adrian dares to tell me that because I am young, I do not need a Craftmatic.

Here’s Adrian’s logic: “You’re 23. I’m trying to think of ways to get you out of bed. People with Craftmatics have 20 years left–they need the rest.”

Here’s my logic: “YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN THIS HOUSE WITH A DEDICATED WORKSPACE WITH ALL YOUR TOOLS NEARBY. I AM PUSHED AWAY TO THE BED OR THE FUCKING GREEN FUTON DOWNSTAIRS THAT THE CATS HAVE TURNED INTO A FORTRESS OF FEAR. DON’T I DESERVE TO WORK IN SUBLIME COMFORT WITH MY 25″ COLOR TV?”

I mean, really.

Have you ever even seen a Craftmatic? Can you imagine the possibilities of owning one? Sleeping in the utmost comfort all the time–it’s amazing to me that they have not been mandated by law yet.

If I had my way in my own house (which I clearly don’t, as I am a slave to Adrian’s ‘useful’ furnishings), I would replace my couches and bed and dining chairs with hybrid Craftmatics/Tempurpedics.

That’s like sleeping on Jesus’ bed. Can you imagine?


We would be reclining all over this damn house.

Come to think of it–I think I could really innovate the Craftmatic Industry.

Imagine the laziness possibilities of a Craftmatic Personal Scooter.
Imagine the ultimate comfort of a Craftmatic bathtub.
Imagine the happiness of Craftmatic tanning beds.
Imagine the joy on a ill child’s face of a videogame centered Craftmatic.
Imagine the driving comfort of a Craftmatic car.

I dare to dream in comfort, Adrian. Don’t you think I deserve this, with the innovations to the industry I have provided? They’re even made in the GOOD OL’ USA.

I should add that this post was in no way a stab at the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed company (Elevation Bed LLC)–I tremendously endorse your product, and have written this post under no urging of anyone (but Adrian). I would be happy to review a bed for this page, if you would be so inclined. Or reclined.

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