Archive | September, 2010

Made My Day.

30 Sep

Glass Houses.

29 Sep

Stephen Colbert recently testified before Congress about the plight of the migrant farm worker, to much uproar from both sides.

Clearly a threat greater than Bears.

Some common complaints being:

  • Colbert isn’t taking this seriously.
  • He was ‘in character’ and therefore not acting under oath.
  • He’s not qualified to testify.

Alright, folks, let’s get down and dirty in all the ways arguing about Colbert make absolutely no sense towards the greater goal of change.

As so many other news publications have pointed out, Congress has a great history of pairing with inconsequential celebrities, including Elmo, from Sesame Street. Call me crazy, but that seems like a character to me. Yet, his testimony was met with coos of delight.

He's Legit. It's Bono in Congress that worries me.

No one argues or complains when the members of Congress meet with cable news or celebrities outside of their offices to gain credibility for re-election.

The very reason that shows like the Colbert Report and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart exist because many Young Americans have lost faith in both news media and the government. A long history of extreme partisanship and inactivity in the government has left a bad taste.

These shows and these characters strive to stir up activism—the same reason that Zoe Lofgren asked Colbert to testify. Why, oh why, would Congress have a problem with Americans being further involved in their government? Colbert alike was there to help bring publicity to a long ignored and rug-swept topic.

The members of Congress probably disliked being satirized right in front of them, but Colbert used his biting satire to bring to light the fact that in the times we face today, Congress needs to come together for real change and real progress—instead of arguing about which celebrity is well-qualified to testify.

Pictured: Qualified.

Sunday Timewasters.

26 Sep

1. How Predator Should Have Ended.

2. Mitch Hedberg-A great Comedian who passed away several years ago.

3. Live TV Reporters are the best.

4. Patton Oswalt’s Angry Magician.

5. A Lesser Known Matt Foley Skit.

6. Kevin Clash is Elmo.

7. Carol Burnett’s No Frills Airline.

8. Betty White, Molly Shannon, and Ana Gasteyer. Classic.

9. The Juice is Loose.

10. Life Lessons from A Cartoon Princess.

A Great Love and a Golden Girl.

25 Sep

There is little in life that can make me happier than good Stand-Up Comedy. A good comedian is often scientific without letting you in on the secret.They go beyond the basic lead-pause-punchline into a complex series of sentences designed to draw you one way to stun you the next.

The segue, the lead, story, the hook, the punchline, the pause, and the Bea Arthur.

Never Saw Her Coming.

Bea Arthur is the best part.

Bea Arthur is only ever seen executed in really excellent comedy, after said comedian has told a truly amazing joke, paused for your laughter, and then…BEA ARTHUR! He just blew your mind with one little sentence that changes his whole story, just like Bea Arthur always changed the game in Golden Girls. Blanche was always a whore, Rose was always stupid, Sofia was always crotchety, but Bea Arthur (Dorothy)–you never knew what to expect.

Thank You For Being A Friend.

Maybe you find out the comedian was making out with his cousin all along, or that the goat he woke up next to is now his father’s widow. Who knows! It’s like the Pre-The-Village M. Night Shymalan of jokes–you don’t know what it’s going to be when it comes, but it’s mind-blowing every time. The comedy-gasm.

I live for the Bea Arthur.

But Bea lives to dance.

Now that I feel you have an accurate depiction of my love for truly good comedy, I want to tell you a story.

Friday Night it was a friend’s birthday, and he chose to spend time at a well-known comedy club in Dallas. It’s an awkward place filled with long tables, forcing you to sit with people you don’t know. I think it’s obvious I’m pretty terrible at social interaction, and typically say some really inappropriate things, so I was worried from the get-go. Let me draw you a picture of our table set up.

Fig. 1

Note the large booze disparity.

It was only after the Emcee and the Warm-Up that we figured out we’d been seated with…THE JOKE EXPLAINER.

Bea knows where this is going.

Comedian: “Man, what’s with these hipster bitches?  Those are some dirty bitches. I went out with this girl the other day that looked like the Salvation Army tried to donate her to the homeless.”

Here is where everyone laughs a little.

Whore 3: “HAHA. SHE WORE BAD CLOTHES, AND HE DIDN’T LIKE THEM.”

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Comedian: “So we go meet at Ikea for coffee and fucking Scattergories in one of Ikea’s Swedish Dioramas, because she just couldn’t fit enough of looking fucking stupid in her day, and Ikea is the master of packing big shit in little boxes.”

Everyone kind of giggles. Not the best joke.

Whore 3: “HAHA, ALL OF IKEA’S STUFF IS PACKED IN SMALL BOXES.”

Bea gonna choke a bitch.

Comedian: “So she scattegorizes some shit about Kafka, and all I’m thinking is, I’m gonna bang this girl who looks like an old lumberjack, just to tick off an extra square on HoBingo.”

Everyone in the audience realizes this is his hook–we’re about to find out the punchline, and we’re all excited.

Whore 3: “IT’S BECAUSE HIPSTERS WEAR PLAID SHIRTS.”

Bea's so excited.

Comedian: “So I get this bitch home, and she’s all, I want to live-blog your apartment. And I say, you can do a plaster cast of my ass and sell it to the Museum of Modern Art as long as I’m going to get something more out of tonight than 99 cent meatballs. I thought she was just messing around, but there she was, typing away while I’m thrusting. She even held a poll about what she should shout at the end to drive up her blog traffic.”

Not a great punchline, but it’s there.

Whore 3: “BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO BUSY TYPING TO BE INTO IT.”

Bitch, Please.

Comedian: “Please, girl, my YouTube video of the donkey-punch got a lot more hits than her ass will.”

THERE IT IS.

There’s the Bea! BAM!

Here I am.

And even though everyone is laughing, and everyone seems to follow…

Whore 3: “BECAUSE HE WAS USING SOCIAL MEDIA, TOO!”

Motherfucking Joke Explainers.

P.S.: Here’s another reason Bea Arthur is all things awesome, just in time for Raptor Awareness Month.

That's Bea Arthur taking down a Raptor.

Mom’s Messages: Real Texts From My Ma

18 Sep

Me: Grace, I just got this from mom: Road cnst              pilot car ahead   . outside Limon co Surprise surprise. What the hell does that mean?

Grace: I don’t know either. I dOnt           evennnn Ask nemore.

Me: In my head, when she texts, it’s the speak ‘n spell voice.

Grace: HAH!

September is Velociraptor Awareness Month. BE AWARE.

17 Sep

This is it. I’ve had it. I’m done with her shenanigans, I’m done sitting back and watching her casually take over the world.

Lady Gaga is a fucking velociraptor.

We can’t live with this kind of terror in our everyday lives. She’s out there, in her Buffalo-Bill People Clothes, doing her best to trick your asses into being eaten.

“The message of Gaga is one of loving yourself,” Says Gaga.

Of course it is, Gaga, because when the fans flock to your arena, you have them trapped and worked into a frenzy. DON’T LOVE YOURSELF. RUN.

I recently took my life into my own hands and did some field research at the GaGa Monster’s Ball, and for fuck’s sake, how did we not harpoon her before?

  1. People arrive to the Monster’s Ball in costume. A clear indoctrination tactic.
  2. Gaga says, “I don’t know if you heard, but I’ve got a pretty big dick,” at the start of her concert. This is a ploy to be funny about the rumors that she is a hermaphrodite after the up-skirt shot of her, depicting a bulge. That is not a penis. That is a tail.
  3. Gaga implores you to, “Put your paws up,” meaning your hands in a claw like fashion. Gaga thinks its funny that you believe you can defend yourself from her pre-historic jaws with this feeble gesture.
  4. All you gotta do is follow the glitter way!” Right into her lair. BEWARE.

People, she’s not even trying to hide her true nature anymore.

She’s wearing meat.

Gaga would like this dress to be made of people.

She exhibits the typical Velociraptor ‘stalking stance’ in almost all of her videos.

Lady Gaga will come out of that pool and kill you with a Poker Face on.

She exhibits all the signs of having poor camouflage techniques.

I'm on to you. I see past your "friendly open-hand gesture."

And she keeps getting more and more outrageous.

Gaga's next outfit.

The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention states that, “Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. However, everyone must think about the implications of velociraptors: young and old, men, women and transgendered persons.”

FOLKS. THAT IS LADY GAGA’S TARGET DEMOGRAPHIC.

Coincidence? I think not.

I'MMA BAD ROMANCE YOU.

Slow Down, Speed Kills! (Or, it’s hilariously awesome)

9 Sep

Read This.

YES. This is amazing.

Canada, in all it’s glory, decided that it was a much better idea to slow drivers down with the image of you, “blasting into a child,” (which was a great word choice, Yahoo!News) than it was for drivers to eff up a killer suspension.

Some basic issues associated with this:

Image Credit: Yahoo!News

  1. What happens to the poor people who drive those roads often and are then conditioned to the response of, “child in road with ball is fake?” Forget the old argument that media breeds violence–Canada’s roads are conditioning sociopaths.
  2. People who can’t process optical illusions will be scarred for life. Or, as Canada’s expert says, “they shouldn’t be driving in the first place.” Whoa, sir, that’s a bit extreme. That’s like saying, “those who are colorblind may not buy clothing.” A big ‘ol Fuck Off to slightly disabled people.
  3. Can you imagine the accidents this thing could cause, with people halting to a sudden stop , and immediately exiting their cars to check on the welfare of the child?
  4. Canada hopes people will laugh off the image before passing right over her. Canada, death isn’t funny. What’s wrong with you?
  5. PAVEMENT PATTY, CANADA? I realize that you’re trying to give her a female name, but PATTY? As in, ROADKILL PATTY? It’s a double entendre of awesome.

But, Canada needs to get more creative. Drivers are going to be conditioned to Patty. They’ll need something more, something–unexpected. Of course, seeing as how I can solve all of Canada’s problems, I have the following suggestions.

Now, here’s how Canada hopes people react to the suggested speed bumps, “Haha, silly Canada! I’ll be slowing down, eh?”

In reality, it’s going to go something like this:

Image Credit: Julian Beever

“MOTHER OF GOD, THAT IS A GIANT VAIO I AM ABOUT TO RUN OVER! TURN THE FUCKING WHEEL, HANK!”

Image Credit: Julian Beever

“Who puts a pool on I-40? Jesus Christ TXDOT.”

Image Credit: Julian Beever

“IS THAT JOE BIDEN? WHAT IS HE DOING IN ALABAMA? WHY IS HE FALLING INTO A PIT?”

And, my personal favorite…

Image Credit: Kurt Wenner

“OH MY GOD HELL HAS OPENED UP ON 635! Swerve, Martha, swerve! We’re all gonna die!”

I think people would slow down, versus being plunged into the depths of hell. But hey, if you want to imitate killing children, Canada, that’s up to you.

Fucking Up Your Love Life (Part 2!)

6 Sep

Dear Cosmo:

I relish in your content for the Woman-About-Town. You really have your paper-sliced fingers on the pulse of the 20-something woman today. Sex, fashion, and fun–you have it all!

However, I feel like your how-to-meet-men columns could use some sprucing up. Your tips may have worked for a while, but today’s woman needs new tips and tricks! Men have caught on, and are less and less likely to slam a penis (and their wallets!) into any old whore.

I have included here some tips that have worked well for me! Hope they work for your readers.


1. Quote His Favorite Movie!

Every man likes movies, but more than that, every man loves porn. Anyone can start a conversation with quotes from The Hangover, but you can really have his heart if you can recall his favorite porno.

Try these today!

“Do you think a football will fit?”

“I think you have a fatal case of…dickarousia.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

And my favorite, “Turn over and brace yourself.”


2. Flirt Like A Kid Again!

Remember in 5th grade when Bobby Jones punched you in the tit and then you were his girlfriend? Bring back the good old days again, with a twist! Turn the tables next time at the bar, and as you order your drink, punch the nearest hottie right in the dick.

Does he flinch? He’s YOURS!


3. Give ‘Em The Old Razzle Dazzle

Spot a hottie on the morning commute? BAM! He never expected a face full of pepper and confetti (or his bride-to-be!)

Those are tears of joy, girl.


4. Be Up Front About It

No one likes a girl that likes to play games. Be as up front as possible.

“Hey there sexy. I’ve got the clap and $267,000 worth of debt. I’m on Team Edward, and think Twilight’s the greatest love story ever told. Oprah is my God, and my cats hear my thoughts.”

Guys love a gal who can be honest about who she really is.


5. Be His Crying Shoulder

Your local funeral parlor and cemetery is full of singles! He’s going to need a gal now that MeMaw is gone.

Black at a funeral is so last year; make sure to wear something bright and sexy so he knows you’re single and ready to mingle.


Girls today need all the help they can get–especially concerning the covert affairs of the heart!


Sincerely,

Noa Gavin, Man-Getting Extraordinaire.