I Injure People with Excitement.

12 Oct

I have a big tendency to over-exaggerate everything, including the situation that I’m in. I want to be in the moment. I want to live PASSIONATELY. I want you to LIVE THAT TOO.

Sadly, that often results in people being injured.

Situation 1: Laser Tag

I was seventeen, and the baddest-ass nanny on the block. I had taken my two nanners (who the fuck calls them charges? That’s the dumbest thing ever) to Laser Tag one day. A superhottie was working, and he let the boys and I play two free games, on the condition that I would come back that evening, maybe with a friend, and we’d all go see a movie.

Here’s the part in the story where you’re wondering if I became a prostitute for Laser Tag.

So my friend and I go back that evening, and sure enough, he’s there.

“Why don’t we play a quick game before we go?” he asks, helping me strap into my GhostBusters-esque Proton Pack.

“Sure!” I was always witty.

So I really want to make a big impression, right? And what do guys like? Girls who game, right?

Then I was going to BE a badass that day. I was ducking around corners like Jason Fucking Bourne, diving behind boulders, shooting bitches–gangsta. And then I heard it…the footsteps…he was close by.

So I flat-back against a wall, pull my Duck Hunt pistol to my chest, and slide around the corner, guns blazing!


I pistol whipped that kid to fucking Mars.


Image Exaggerated for Badassery.


It played out in slow motion in my head. I saw my gun as I whirled around the corner, far too lost in my badassery to notice him shooting RIGHT AT MY FACE FROM 6 INCHES AWAY. I saw his cheek bounce and wave as I rocked his world with lasers, baby.

There’s no dignified way to leave a situation in which you’ve accidentally pistol-whipped someone. We stood there awkwardly for about 3o seconds before the lights came on and I could truly see just how hard I had hit him.

Ever done a walk of shame from a Laser Tag Dome?


2 Responses to “I Injure People with Excitement.”

  1. Ki October 12, 2010 at 10:34 pm #

    This is 1) awesome and 2) reminiscent of the time in 5th grade that I accidentally kicked my crush in the junk in front of about 30 other kids. Ah, memories.

    • Noa Gavin October 13, 2010 at 10:59 am #

      AHAHAHA. YES. There’s no better way to show dominance and love like a boot to the nuts. I like your style.

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