Being A Cookess

8 Nov

Grace made a lasagna for Adrian’s birthday last week. A homemade lasagna. As in, bitch made the sauce and pretty much everything else that went in to it. It was delicious.

Grace can COOK, y’all.

I’m not half bad–I can bake a lot more than I can cook. But Grace, she can cook your ass under the table and then make you eat a meal on said table and be happy about it.

She was not always good. It was a slow, grueling process for her to be good. Luckily, I was there for ALL OF IT.

CookFuck 1: Salad

Lesson Learned: A fresh salad does not require any cooking. Of any sort. Learned after she boiled lettuce for a salad, which produced a smell only replicated by Lilith in the bowels of Hell.

CookFuck 2: Garlic Bread

Lesson Learned: Make sure when you are pressing buttons on the oven. The Broil button is usually located right next to the Clean button. The difference? About 700 degrees. The Clean cycle will temporarily render the oven a smelting plant, and lock the door. We watched that shit flame for an hour.

CookFuck 3: Gravy

Lesson Learned: White flour, pepper, and cooking grease does not a white gravy make. Or the plastic spoon repurposed from Olive Garden used to stir said consistency-of-wet-concrete gravy. By the time we turned the burner off, the gravy, the skillet, and the spoon had molecularly bonded.

CookFuck 4: Brownies

Lesson Learned: Brownies require cocoa. Duly noted.

CookFuck 5: Poached Eggs

Lesson Learned: Eggs nuked in water will not poach, but become chicken fetus shrapnel grenades when poked with a fork. It literally (and I don’t use that word lightly) exploded–coating her kitchen, living room, self, husband, and cats in a considerable amount of half-cooked egg. Burned her lip.

CookFuck 6: Cajun Chicken

Lesson Learned: Distribute spices sparingly in spicy dishes. 4 chicken breasts do not require an entire bottle of cayenne pepper. That was the hottest motherfucking chicken on the planet. Atomic chicken, if you will. It was as though the Fire Gods had brought a chicken from the depths of Mount Kilauea, sacrificing it for the torture of those who had wronged the volcano.

There was a lot of water drunk that night.

And now, to rag on me a while.

CookFuck 7: Egg-spiration dates (HAH!)

Lesson Learned: When making brownies in a beer pitcher, be aware of the speed of which an egg exits a shell. Old eggs=Slow eggs=salmonella.



Had to buy a cake for the Boss’ birthday today. I also needed bacos, ranch dressing, and drano, so I figured I would make one trip.


MMM, Bacon cake with ranch and a side of poison.



9 Responses to “Being A Cookess”

  1. Crystal November 8, 2010 at 12:30 pm #

    HAHAHA!! Considering my Suzy Homemaker weekend of cooking and baking these lessons will be remembered for the next kitchen spent weekend!!

  2. Elly Lou November 8, 2010 at 2:54 pm #

    Know what else brownies require? Eggs. And oil. Apparently all in the same batch.

  3. Grace November 8, 2010 at 4:45 pm #

    Thanks Dude, lessons well learned. But, you forgot one. Cook fuck #8: NEVER, under ANY circumstances use ground lamb for taco meat. That smell still haunts me in my dreams…literally

  4. Amanda November 8, 2010 at 8:32 pm #

    LMAO!! It’s always comforting to hear about someone else having a hard time learning how to cook. The first thing I tried to cook was chicken breasts covered in cream of mushroom gravy. My father in law dubbed it Chicken Sahara. I cook fairly well now, but I’ve never lived down the Chicken Sahara meal.

  5. elizabeth- flourish in progress November 9, 2010 at 12:44 pm #

    Noa: Do you want to come over for dinner.

    Elizabeth: Home cookin’

    Noa: Yep.

    Elizabeth: No thanks. I’m busy.

    Noa: But I haven’t told you what day…….

  6. k-dawg November 9, 2010 at 7:15 pm #

    This is why I eat a shit ton of Ramen noodles.

    • Noa Gavin November 9, 2010 at 8:33 pm #

      K-Dawg: I love me a Tombstone Pizza. 3 days a week.

      Liz: Ho, I would make you a caramel cheesecake make your MAMA knock on your door and slap you.

      Amanda: I just got an image of a cornish game hen wearing a leather bomber jacket and goggles. Thank you/

      Grace: To be fair, that was the stepdad’s idea…ugh.

      Elly: Funny how that works. Turns out, ingredients on the side of the box=shit you need to make it. Huh.

      Crystal: Kilauea Chicken Recipe available for purchase for Suzy Homemaker Weekends.

      Cheeky Bride: Dude. Thanks. You’re awesome.

  7. Kernut the Blond November 10, 2010 at 8:09 am #

    Best and worst line ever: ‘Eggs nuked in water will not poach, but become chicken fetus shrapnel grenades when poked with a fork.’

    Good to know for safety reasons, but also kinda makes me want to puke.

    • Noa Gavin November 11, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

      You’re welcome for ruining Easter for you.

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