RV To Hell: The School Edition

11 Nov

Let’s get a couple things straight. The RV has played a big part in my life, and when I get into trouble, it’s usually with Grace. But, you knew that part about Grace.

So one day,  we’re in the driveway, about to drive to school. Her car had a serious flat, and seeing as how step-dad (a glorious man, that one) had put the sumbitch on with a torque wrench, there was no getting that bad boy off the car.

School, for us, wasn’t a happy jaunt through a quiet neighborhood. We lived 20 miles from school, and had to pass by a spooky motherfucking wooded lake to get there. And a couple of yaks. No lie.

Was there a graveyard too? Fuck, now I don’t remember. Seems like there was.

Whoakay, back to the story.

So, there was no walking for us.

We had to make a choice. One, we could stay home from school and get our asses kicked. Or, we could ride our horses to school, possibly picking up dysentery or losing Ma after fording the river.

Or we take the family RV.

Grace looked at me, standing there dorkishly in my blue t-shirt,wranglers, and rose-tinted glasses.



I nodded. We were going for it.

Grace started up The Widowmaker, and off we went. I rode to school in fucking STYLE that day, chillin’ on the couch in the back, eatin’ my cheerios like a fucking king.


“No way. The couch is awesome.”


As we lurched through the bar ditch to enter the parking lot (yet again, not joking), Grace suddenly noticed something was amiss.

“Noa, something is sparking outside. Stick your head out the window and see what it is.”

I got a glimpse of the perpetrator only as it whizzed 2 inches from my head and slammed into the map of America on the starboard side, sparking the fuck out of the countryside.


In case you didn’t know, RV’s need to be plugged in for a time. Ours was plugged in on a free-standing outdoor outlet, which we ripped from the earth and drug behind The Widowmaker for 20 damn miles. The outlet whipped violently around for the entire time, and WHOAfucking up the fiberglass.

“We’re dead.”

Later that night, upon arriving back home in The Widowmaker, while the step-dad stood watching our embarrassed asses lumber back in:


“What else were we supposed to do? You put my lug nuts on with a torque wrench, there was no way we could get them back off.”


“And then what? Where the hell do we put the horses when we get there?”


Can’t make it up, y’all.


11 Responses to “RV To Hell: The School Edition”

  1. Elly Lou November 12, 2010 at 10:28 am #

    It still freaks me out that “yak” can be a noun instead of just a verb. That just don’t seem right.

    • Noa Gavin November 14, 2010 at 6:58 pm #

      They were the coolest Yaks ever. They would change your mind.

  2. elizabeth-flourish in progress November 12, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

    Duh, Noa, ya shoulda taken the horses.

    I just can’t keep up with you. First, a story about fucked up food and now this about a fucked up RV.

    Yeah, I can’t keep up with you but certainly proud to know you.

    • elizabeth-flourish in progress November 12, 2010 at 7:01 pm #

      btw- your comment about my fucking integrity brought me to my knees in laughter. But Jesus is mad. Jus’ warnin’ ya.

      • Noa Gavin November 14, 2010 at 6:57 pm #

        Jesus is usually really pissed off at my mouth.

        That’s what she said.

        FUCK. There I go again.

    • Noa Gavin November 14, 2010 at 6:57 pm #

      All of this shit is 100% true. All of it.

  3. Kernut November 13, 2010 at 12:01 pm #

    Awesome! Seriously, you were right not to take the horses. I love RVs and want one of my own.

    • Noa Gavin November 14, 2010 at 6:58 pm #

      Can I just tell you from experience–RV’s are not as cool as one would think. As Grace put it, “We thought it would be hell, and it didn’t even get up to that high of an expectation.”

  4. Dawn November 15, 2010 at 9:56 pm #

    This made my day. My whole-mother-truckin’ fuckin’ day. I’m new here, but can I just say…Love this harder’n a goat loves a stump. (I’ll be back. Promise)

    • Noa Gavin November 15, 2010 at 10:27 pm #

      If you have more gems for me like, “love this harder’n a goat loves a stump,” then please come back.

  5. Grace November 16, 2010 at 9:14 pm #

    I can’t get over this photo of you…it is so perfectly the way I remember it, wranglers, shirt any shade of blue. Except, I usually remember you in a pony tail you had put in the night before to make it easier for you to do your hair in the morning. (i.e. extended your sleeping in front of the fireplace) I think maybe this should be the life-size photo we do for mom for Christmas–or of course if we find one of us with the widowmaker.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: