There are people in the world that you don’t like. Don’t fucking lie to me–you don’t like them. Could be your in-laws, could be your Aunt, could be a co-worker, but any way you slice it, you’d rather harangue a macaque than see them.
Lucky you! They’re on your Christmas list!
You’ve already sent them a shitty card. But it’s time for something real. Something tangible.
Something that says without a doubt, “Go Fuck Yourself.”
1. Never Smile at a Monkey (Only $10.88!)
It’s long been known that an easy way to piss off friends with kids is to purchase them a noisy toy. That way, anytime they get a splitting headache from the endless appeals of a plastic Dora (“Can you say, Hombre? VERY GOOD.”) they know exactly how you feel about them.
These days, so many toys are noisy. For fuck’s sake, almost every toy my nieces own makes some kind of horrible noise.
Skip that noisy shit and go straight for the source–Psychological Warfare. Give their children nightmares, and they’ll never be able to repay you.
Never Smile at a Monkey is filled with such delightful prose as, “Never Harrass a Hippopotamus. They kill more people in Africa than any other wild animal,” and, “Never Jostle a Jellyfish. If you are unlucky enough to become entangled with a box jellyfish, you will die very quickly.”
Sweet Dreams.
2. Poopsenders.com (about $20-$35 dollars.)
(Picture not included here because that’s fucking gross.)
Nothing says, “Go Fuck Yourself,” like a gallon of anonymous Gorilla shit.
You can choose between cow, elephant, and gorilla, in any one of 2 convenient sizes.
That co-worker that’s a shithead? A gallon of elephant will do nicely.
Your shitty ex-boyfriend? Quart of cow, please.
3. John Wayne 3-D Cuckoo Clock ($200 motherfucking dollars.)
I can only hope instead of saying, “CUCKOO!!” this clock just shouts, “PILGRIM,” over and over again to toll the hours.
Found in SkyMall (who else would carry this?), this magical timepiece features The Duke twice over. Make sure to get the replacement plan for your recipient’s benefit–you’ll want to immediately replace it when someone mysteriously takes an axe to it.
It would be even better to not wrap this, and just weld it to the wall in the home or office of your Secret Santa, that way, they can enjoy True Grit anytime!
I just realized that the numbers are backwards. Really, SkyMall? Couldn’t take the time to press, “mirror image”? You’re charging me $200 for this, the picture better be presentable.
I just. I have no words for how perfectly strange this is.
Oh Noa. 
HAHAHAHAH, genius
Thank you! Sounds like Tim’s getting something awesome for Christmas.
I know what my sister’s getting this year! Thanks Noa.
You must really love your sister.
I do indeed. Loving her enough to send her gorilla pooh is easy….
Justifying spending $20-35 on it may be a little hard though seeing as how her children pooh on me for free when I change their diapers.
She really needs to get on that potty training ball & quit calling me to babysit.
Reading your blog always makes me laugh so at least I have that, so Thanks!
That’s quite a good way to tell someone, “get your shit together.”
Jesus, Noa, I begged you not to release a list of gifts I already got my family.
Where’s the SURPRISE??
Also, maybe just don’t open that box you’re getting at your new place. I was in an angrier mood when I ordered it.
Liz, it doesn’t count if you just took a shit in a box and mailed it.
Personally I’d prefer “What do you do when something wants to eat you?” instead of “Never Smile at a monkey.”
But I think that’s simply because I like to be prepared.
Also? Amazon tells me it’s a great choice for storytime.
Sold.
That was my favorite part about this book, “Great for Storytime.” Really, Amazon? It’s designed for a 3 year old–and what better way to educate children than through fear campaigns.
Oh this is the best holiday list I’ve seen so far. (In fact, I need more. Please come up with volume two. Thanks.)
Oh, they’re a-comin like John Wayne into the hearts of women everywhere.
Oh, these are awesome ideas!! That (now ex) asshat of a boss was on my Christmas list. Even though I’m no longer working there, nor obligated to get him a gift, the box of gorilla poo should do nicely.
Asshats always could use more poo.