New Year’s Resolutions

3 Jan

1. Call my Grandma more: She never hears from me. That’s not right. She’s the inspiration for this.

2. Not stab anyone in Wal-Mart: You laugh. I do not. I have a hateful vendetta against the world’s most efficient level of Hell.

3. Be more adventurous: I’m trying this thing where instead of letting my OCD and social anxiety make my life boring as hell, and in turn, shitty for you to read about, I force myself out to do awesome things. BlogHer ’11, I’m on my way.

4. Make you laugh more and more: Because that’s what I’m about.

5. Grow The League of Funny Bitches: An extension of #4.

6. Learn some things off of Because, why the fuck not?

7. Dance more: I have dances for everything. I have car dances, cold weather dances, too hot dances, I’m hungry dances, fuck off dances–and it’s contagious. When you meet someone while dancing, it creates a weird bond. I like that.

8. Learn to speak more Hungarian than I know right now: Which is all of, “Fuck your mother,” “Horse’s ass,” “I don’t speak this very well,” and “Your Grandmother.”

9. Take more pictures: Because adventures lack proof without pictures.

10. Pay it Forward: You bitches are awesome. You tell your friends about me, you nominate me for the Bloggies (I’m looking at you, Flourish in Progress), you put me on your blogrolls, and best of all, you READ MY SHIT AND COMMENT. I love you people. And thusly, marks the return of Funny Bitch Fridays, which was attempted once and I promptly failed to do it again. You all deserve your turn–so keep being funny, keep being awesome. It’s my turn to say, “This bitch is hilarious.”

What are your resolutions?


13 Responses to “New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. elizabeth-flourish in progress January 3, 2011 at 3:02 pm #

    My only new year’s resolution was to drink with you in person. I had to concoct this whole back story about how I’m from Texas and I really wanted to visit some hometown friends and I’m going to be in town anyway, so why don’t you come out, Noa. Jesus, I can’t believe you fell for it.

    I’m not even from Texas. I’m from planet Xerox (where do you think the company got its name?).

    Also, you deserve a Bloggie. You’re just too damn funny.

    • Noa Gavin January 3, 2011 at 3:15 pm #

      I figured your grand plan was just to show up ay my house and rob me. I was preparing for a throwdown.

  2. Mom of Wild Ones January 3, 2011 at 8:38 pm #

    Does stabbing someone in the throat at a walmart count as being more adventurous? I guess if it did it would just void out with #2.
    I just typed #2 – Heeehaaaheehha – apparently I have the humor of a 12 year old boy.

  3. bloggertobenamedlater January 3, 2011 at 10:53 pm #

    I don’t do New Years resolutions. I do new day resolutions. I have long term commitment issues. Tomorrow, I resolve not to eat the pack of double stuff Oreos in the kitchen as I would like to see my toes by Groundhog Day. On Wednesday, I resolve to not throw empty Diet Red Bull cans on the floorboard of my car, and so on.

    Also, you do deserve a bloggie. And also Elizabeth who I also stalk, albeit quietly. I am not easily amused and I always giggle.

    • Noa Gavin January 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

      Today, I resolved not to drink a Dr. Pepper. I failed.

  4. hoodyhoo January 4, 2011 at 6:04 am #

    seriously, not stab ANYONE in WalMart? Can’t we just say, “not stab AS MANY people in Walmart?” Or “not FATALLY stab anyone in Walmart?” Baby steps, my friend, baby steps.

    • Noa Gavin January 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

      I stabbed too many. I’m over my limit.

  5. Dear Sweet Mama January 4, 2011 at 9:57 am #

    I’m going for being one of the people in the pictures of people from Walmart – I think I can achieve that fairly easily and I like to set accomplishable goals. Better for my self esteem than exercise every day or loose 20 lbs. Though see my feet for Groundhog day might work if I can sit in the recliner to see them.

    • Noa Gavin January 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

      HAHAHAHA! Goals are important.

  6. Pam January 4, 2011 at 7:24 pm #

    No resolutions here. Except maybe that Wal-Mart one of yours…LOL

    • Noa Gavin January 5, 2011 at 12:25 am #

      It’s a good general rule. I’ll expect a full report from jail if you fail.

  7. KatieTheBlogLady January 5, 2011 at 9:38 pm #

    I need to call my Babcia (grandma) more too. And I need to learn more Polish so I stop repeating the one sentence I melded together from the few phrases my always repeats — which is, “please grandma, kiss my ass.” At least I ask nicely. And yes, I am Polish and blonde. Boo ya!

    • Noa Gavin January 5, 2011 at 10:39 pm #

      I had lunch with 2 family members of Adrian who speak no English today. It was, quiet.

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