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How are you finding me?

19 Oct

People are finding me through some extraordinarily fucked up search terms.

1. Velociraptor Costume:

BAM! Found it.

2. Velociraptor Face:

See Above.

3. Velociraptor Sitting:

4. Several Variation of Oh Noa and Mom’s Messages:

HOORAY! Someone found me through my name and even a regular post of mine! I feel so special.

This is the last search term that makes any sense whatsoever.

5. Cheddar Cheese Taco Vag:

Okay, the Raptor stuff I get. I’ve done only one post about Raptors, but it’s apparently pretty searchable.

But the fact that you found me through a search for Cheddar Cheese Taco Vag says more about your psyche and your daily disposition than I think you realize.

Were you looking for a Vagina filled with Cheddar Cheese?

Were you looking for a horrible recipe?

Are you a dairy fetishist? I mean, I’ve never even heard of that, but hey, people are turned on by worse than this.

6. Latex Predator Costume Fetish

I have this whole demographic of bizarre fetishists that I’ve apparently servicing rather well.

Did I say servicing? Fuck.

I suppose a latex and a dairy fetish combination would at least be easy to clean.

7. Elevation Bed, LLC.

Elevation Bed, LLC is the parent company of the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. Someone found and read my blog searching for a bed meant solely for older folks, invalids, and those laid up for a considerable amount of time so as to prevent bed sores.

I hope I brightened your day.

8. Wearing a C-String on the Beach

I think we all know how well this would actually turn out.

9. Razzle Dazzle Noa

This sounds as though Mattel thought it appropriate to make a Barbie of a woman who was awkward in public so that when you pulled a string on her back when others were around she would say shit like:

  • “Do you wonder if Noah left the unicorn off the boat on purpose?”
  • “I bet your Grandma looks good in that bandage dress.”
  • “Ma’am, your Vagina. Address it.”

But in private would say things reflecting of a crippling social anxiety disorder:

  • “No one thinks I’m funny but me.”
  • “Your friends only want you there.”
  • “I shouldn’t have picked a fight with that Drag Queen.”

Then, the Barbie would throw confetti in your face. Give it a Whiskey and Coke and some limp-ass red hair.

That would be a Razzle Dazzle Noa Doll.

(I have said all of those things.)

And my favorite:

10. Cat your gonna get raped

HOW THE FUCK DOES MY BLOG EVEN COME CLOSE TO A HIGH-RANKING PAGE WITH THIS SEARCH TERM?

Not only is this a fucked up statement in and of itself, but it’s not even grammatically correct. This sentence is stating something about a Cat’s ‘gonna get raped’ as though it was a thing a cat could possess.

This is not ok. Cats cannot possess Gonna Get Raped. No one should possess Gonna Get Raped.

I felt dirty even making this one, y’all.

Cat’s don’t even have opposable thumbs, so why would they even need a can of Gonna Get Raped?

Baffled. Fucking Baffled.

Fucking Up Your Love Life (Part 2!)

6 Sep

Dear Cosmo:

I relish in your content for the Woman-About-Town. You really have your paper-sliced fingers on the pulse of the 20-something woman today. Sex, fashion, and fun–you have it all!

However, I feel like your how-to-meet-men columns could use some sprucing up. Your tips may have worked for a while, but today’s woman needs new tips and tricks! Men have caught on, and are less and less likely to slam a penis (and their wallets!) into any old whore.

I have included here some tips that have worked well for me! Hope they work for your readers.


1. Quote His Favorite Movie!

Every man likes movies, but more than that, every man loves porn. Anyone can start a conversation with quotes from The Hangover, but you can really have his heart if you can recall his favorite porno.

Try these today!

“Do you think a football will fit?”

“I think you have a fatal case of…dickarousia.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

And my favorite, “Turn over and brace yourself.”


2. Flirt Like A Kid Again!

Remember in 5th grade when Bobby Jones punched you in the tit and then you were his girlfriend? Bring back the good old days again, with a twist! Turn the tables next time at the bar, and as you order your drink, punch the nearest hottie right in the dick.

Does he flinch? He’s YOURS!


3. Give ‘Em The Old Razzle Dazzle

Spot a hottie on the morning commute? BAM! He never expected a face full of pepper and confetti (or his bride-to-be!)

Those are tears of joy, girl.


4. Be Up Front About It

No one likes a girl that likes to play games. Be as up front as possible.

“Hey there sexy. I’ve got the clap and $267,000 worth of debt. I’m on Team Edward, and think Twilight’s the greatest love story ever told. Oprah is my God, and my cats hear my thoughts.”

Guys love a gal who can be honest about who she really is.


5. Be His Crying Shoulder

Your local funeral parlor and cemetery is full of singles! He’s going to need a gal now that MeMaw is gone.

Black at a funeral is so last year; make sure to wear something bright and sexy so he knows you’re single and ready to mingle.


Girls today need all the help they can get–especially concerning the covert affairs of the heart!


Sincerely,

Noa Gavin, Man-Getting Extraordinaire.

Text Fetish

7 Jul

My phone has an autocorrect function that is not that awesome. Smell, small, smile, smooth, smite, smoothie, etc.=S&M

Yeah, that’s right, anything that begins with sm- automatically gets corrected to a fetish in GIANT CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THESE. 
The best part about it is that my phone is a sneaky bastard, and wouldn’t correct it until I hit send.
“Those tacos really S&M good.”
Sure, what the hell. Bring on the sadist vagina.

“I’m going to S&M King, want anything?”
Fuck yeah I do!

“I want a S&M coke.”
Whoa. I draw the line at coke. Safe, Sane, Consensual.

“Brandon likes S&M”
Funny now that he’s broken up with the girlfriend I sent it to.

“I want a cherry S&M”
Don’t we all?

“S&M favor?”
Sounds like a hell of a favor.
“Get that S&M off your face.”
Or I’ll whip it off. I’ll beat it off. BEAT IT OFF. Heh.


All real-life examples.

Other fun corrections:

  1. Fucking=ducking (making angry texts sound adorable)
  2. Hell=He’ll (making less angry texts sound speech impediment-y)
  3. Hte=warrants no correction to my phone (the)
  4. fucktard=diciest (what the he’ll? “He’s a diciest,” is not impactful, nor grammatically correct.)

Psychological profile as decided by my phone: Adorable Dominatrix with serious head trauma.