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How are you finding me?

19 Oct

People are finding me through some extraordinarily fucked up search terms.

1. Velociraptor Costume:

BAM! Found it.

2. Velociraptor Face:

See Above.

3. Velociraptor Sitting:

4. Several Variation of Oh Noa and Mom’s Messages:

HOORAY! Someone found me through my name and even a regular post of mine! I feel so special.

This is the last search term that makes any sense whatsoever.

5. Cheddar Cheese Taco Vag:

Okay, the Raptor stuff I get. I’ve done only one post about Raptors, but it’s apparently pretty searchable.

But the fact that you found me through a search for Cheddar Cheese Taco Vag says more about your psyche and your daily disposition than I think you realize.

Were you looking for a Vagina filled with Cheddar Cheese?

Were you looking for a horrible recipe?

Are you a dairy fetishist? I mean, I’ve never even heard of that, but hey, people are turned on by worse than this.

6. Latex Predator Costume Fetish

I have this whole demographic of bizarre fetishists that I’ve apparently servicing rather well.

Did I say servicing? Fuck.

I suppose a latex and a dairy fetish combination would at least be easy to clean.

7. Elevation Bed, LLC.

Elevation Bed, LLC is the parent company of the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. Someone found and read my blog searching for a bed meant solely for older folks, invalids, and those laid up for a considerable amount of time so as to prevent bed sores.

I hope I brightened your day.

8. Wearing a C-String on the Beach

I think we all know how well this would actually turn out.

9. Razzle Dazzle Noa

This sounds as though Mattel thought it appropriate to make a Barbie of a woman who was awkward in public so that when you pulled a string on her back when others were around she would say shit like:

  • “Do you wonder if Noah left the unicorn off the boat on purpose?”
  • “I bet your Grandma looks good in that bandage dress.”
  • “Ma’am, your Vagina. Address it.”

But in private would say things reflecting of a crippling social anxiety disorder:

  • “No one thinks I’m funny but me.”
  • “Your friends only want you there.”
  • “I shouldn’t have picked a fight with that Drag Queen.”

Then, the Barbie would throw confetti in your face. Give it a Whiskey and Coke and some limp-ass red hair.

That would be a Razzle Dazzle Noa Doll.

(I have said all of those things.)

And my favorite:

10. Cat your gonna get raped


Not only is this a fucked up statement in and of itself, but it’s not even grammatically correct. This sentence is stating something about a Cat’s ‘gonna get raped’ as though it was a thing a cat could possess.

This is not ok. Cats cannot possess Gonna Get Raped. No one should possess Gonna Get Raped.

I felt dirty even making this one, y’all.

Cat’s don’t even have opposable thumbs, so why would they even need a can of Gonna Get Raped?

Baffled. Fucking Baffled.


Ass-Relational Graphs

10 Aug

What. The. Hell.

I am also appalled that this thong exists.

Ladies and Gents, that’s an underwire shoved up your hoohah that covers only parts of your hoohah. That’s like shoving a pen up your ass and posing for a calendar shoot–these things do not make sense.

I cannot possibly imagine a need or a want for such an item. This could also be because I am not bone thin with a giant rack and an egg-crackin’ ass. Ma’am, your vagina is hanging out.

Whew. Okay, now, I’m a results based person, and before I make a decision on things, I like to have as much information as possible to choose. I look at all sides, and evaluate possibilities. I need to give the c-String (I even hate the name) a fair shot.

My Hypothesis: Buying this bikini is an awful decision.

Let’s first look at the basic facts.
1) I am translucently white.
2) Most people are susceptible to sunburns.
3) It is to be worn to a beach/pool.
4) Beaches have sand. Pools have concrete.
5) Bikinis are designed for sex appeal.
6) This thing looks fucking uncomfortable.
7) Gripping things in your asscheeks is grippingly unsexy. (Unless you’re my phone, which is in to S&M).

Let’s Test our Hypothesis! SCIENCE IS AWESOME.

Test 1: Evaluate Facts 1 & 2.

As you can see here, a normal bikini is going to aid a normal person in the toasting process, while the C-String induces large amounts of UV poisoning in your nethers.

Test 2: Evaluate Facts 3 & 4. MOTHERFUCKERS TOOK IT AWAY.

Test 3: Evaluate Facts 5, 6, & 7.


Fan of anuses, sunburns, and sunburns on your anus? THE C-STRING IS FOR YOU! Otherwise, stick to your tankini.

Adrian says, “Nice use of multimedia.” Thanks!


Text Fetish

7 Jul

My phone has an autocorrect function that is not that awesome. Smell, small, smile, smooth, smite, smoothie, etc.=S&M

Yeah, that’s right, anything that begins with sm- automatically gets corrected to a fetish in GIANT CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THESE. 
The best part about it is that my phone is a sneaky bastard, and wouldn’t correct it until I hit send.
“Those tacos really S&M good.”
Sure, what the hell. Bring on the sadist vagina.

“I’m going to S&M King, want anything?”
Fuck yeah I do!

“I want a S&M coke.”
Whoa. I draw the line at coke. Safe, Sane, Consensual.

“Brandon likes S&M”
Funny now that he’s broken up with the girlfriend I sent it to.

“I want a cherry S&M”
Don’t we all?

“S&M favor?”
Sounds like a hell of a favor.
“Get that S&M off your face.”
Or I’ll whip it off. I’ll beat it off. BEAT IT OFF. Heh.

All real-life examples.

Other fun corrections:

  1. Fucking=ducking (making angry texts sound adorable)
  2. Hell=He’ll (making less angry texts sound speech impediment-y)
  3. Hte=warrants no correction to my phone (the)
  4. fucktard=diciest (what the he’ll? “He’s a diciest,” is not impactful, nor grammatically correct.)

Psychological profile as decided by my phone: Adorable Dominatrix with serious head trauma.