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Donkey Punchers: Ruining the Lives of Servers

28 May
You know what’s an inappropriate phrase to use in any social situation?
Donkey Punch.
Let me set the scene for you.
My husband and I took my sister to lunch at our favorite Mexican Food Restaurant in Dallas yesterday. I won’t tell you the name of it, but it rhymes with Ma Macienda Manch. They have a frequenter card, but the stamps aren’t plain circle punches–they look like burros.
We asked our waiter what the stamp was. He relayed a story of having to hunt down a manager to find out, and in the spirit of contribution, I said—rather loudly—“Bring me the donkey puncher!”
I knew the second the word left my mouth what I had done. I wheezed the air out of my lungs in response to my own idiocy, and laughed myself into tears.  The waiter and my husband stared at me, wordlessly. My sister, as awkward as myself, burst into laughter. Mother of Mary and Joseph, what the hell did I just say. I’m now that girl.
“She must have been drinking,” you say? No. I’m just completely socially inept. This is not a new story for me; this is not even something that phased most people I know as out-of-character for me. I am incapable of not offending people in most standard social situations. What to wear, what to say, who to speak to—Awkward Queen reigns like Oprah reigns the housewives.