Slow Down, Speed Kills! (Or, it’s hilariously awesome)

Read This.

YES. This is amazing.

Canada, in all it’s glory, decided that it was a much better idea to slow drivers down with the image of you, “blasting into a child,” (which was a great word choice, Yahoo!News) than it was for drivers to eff up a killer suspension.

Some basic issues associated with this:

Image Credit: Yahoo!News

1. What happens to the poor people who drive those roads often and are then conditioned to the response of, “child in road with ball is fake?” Forget the old argument that media breeds violence–Canada’s roads are conditioning sociopaths.
2. People who can’t process optical illusions will be scarred for life. Or, as Canada’s expert says, “they shouldn’t be driving in the first place.” Whoa, sir, that’s a bit extreme. That’s like saying, “those who are colorblind may not buy clothing.” A big ‘ol Fuck Off to slightly disabled people.
3. Can you imagine the accidents this thing could cause, with people halting to a sudden stop , and immediately exiting their cars to check on the welfare of the child?
4. Canada hopes people will laugh off the image before passing right over her. Canada, death isn’t funny. What’s wrong with you?
5. PAVEMENT PATTY, CANADA? I realize that you’re trying to give her a female name, but PATTY? As in, ROADKILL PATTY? It’s a double entendre of awesome.

But, Canada needs to get more creative. Drivers are going to be conditioned to Patty. They’ll need something more, something–unexpected. Of course, seeing as how I can solve all of Canada’s problems, I have the following suggestions.

Now, here’s how Canada hopes people react to the suggested speed bumps, “Haha, silly Canada! I’ll be slowing down, eh?”

In reality, it’s going to go something like this:

Image Credit: Julian Beever

“MOTHER OF GOD, THAT IS A GIANT VAIO I AM ABOUT TO RUN OVER! TURN THE FUCKING WHEEL, HANK!”

Image Credit: Julian Beever

“Who puts a pool on I-40? Jesus Christ TXDOT.”

Image Credit: Julian Beever

“IS THAT JOE BIDEN? WHAT IS HE DOING IN ALABAMA? WHY IS HE FALLING INTO A PIT?”

And, my personal favorite…

Image Credit: Kurt Wenner

“OH MY GOD HELL HAS OPENED UP ON 635! Swerve, Martha, swerve! We’re all gonna die!”

I think people would slow down, versus being plunged into the depths of hell. But hey, if you want to imitate killing children, Canada, that’s up to you.